Saturday, May 03, 2008

Slowly but surely.

It has been a challenging week for our family. I am so heartbroken, I miss my Mother so very much. I haven't had time to cry. I have been so busy with the boys, it is good that I have been so busy or I would sit and think all day long and cry. It is so hard, I keep thinking I can pick the phone up and call her during the day, I don't know why I keep doing that.

How all three boys are doing.

My little Brother (Adam) is trying very hard. He was with my Mom always and it is has been very rough on him. The four days of having Adam at our house was tough, bless his heart, it has to be so confusing for him and horrible for him. He hit me all week but thankfully didn't hit K.C. or Big Brother. He's a teenager so his hits are much different than a smaller kiddos. The last time he hit me he was pacing the floors in front of the door, my Dad talked to Adam, I don't know if he understands completely that Mom is gone because he is always looking and pacing as if he's going to go somewhere or someone may be coming. The last time hit me he hit me hard, I feel horrible but I yelled at him, I told him that I missed Mom too and that he had to stop hitting me, I told him I miss her too again to be sure he understood. His hands dropped down as if I said the right thing. I really feel we have made a connection, I know he understood me, I could feel it. Things will get better but we all have been through so much it is going to be a long time before things are "back to the way they were, as Big Brother asked me. I want to make a collection of my Mom and Adams photos and go through them with him at bedtime or whenever he has the book and tell him what's happening in each picture. I have a very strong feeling he would want me to talk about Mom and show him photos but I am not sure if it's right for Adam or not. His hands did drop down and he did stop hitting when I said, "I miss her too." Maybe he wants me to talk about her? I am trying very very hard to read into Adam. He's non verbal and communicates with grunts, screams and pulling my hand and putting it on what he wants if he can't get into it himself. I talked to Adam's therapists and we all agreed that the sooner we have him back in school and back to his schedule the better. He has been going back to school and things are getting better. I even managed to get him enrolled in an Autism Summer Camp where his therapist that works with him now will go along with him as long as their expenses are paid.

K.C. has had a rough time with so many changes. When I brought my brother home with us, Adam REFUSED to ride in our car. He has been in our car before and I am not sure why he didn't want to be in it this time. My Dad said to take my Mom's van and use it for Adam. Sure enough he hopped right in. Only problem was that K.C. REFUSED to ride in my Mom's van. He screamed, fell to the ground and I wanted to cry. After 20 minutes I finally got him in the van and we all left. I felt sad driving my Mom's van, thought about what she might have been thinking when she drove with my brother, about Autism. Did she ever cry when she drove? It's hard to be in the van but for now it is helping with the boys and they are getting used to riding together. I did something I never thought I would do, when I enrolled Adam in summer camp I asked K.C.'s therapist that tutors him at home if they would go to Summer camp with K.C. One agreed to! I can send K.C. this Summer and not worry as much as if he knew no one there. It will be a first for K.C. and I think it will help him with socialization skills. Just being in a group of kiddos that are his age. I will be able to spend time with Big Brother who has been very quiet lately. It is all overwhelming for him, he is now the middle boy, sees the big changes and maybe he feels lonely having two boys in the house who won't play with him. I did get him to smile yesterday, my brother was in the living room with us, he has a very long chewy tube, it's more like a long clear thin hose type thing, I always tell him what my Mom used to tell him, "Adam the hose is in your mouth, not on the floor." He drags it on the ground when it's not in his mouth. I don't know where my Mom got it but he has had it for a long time and it goes where he goes. K.C. tried to snatch it away from Adam and I made K.C. give it back to Adam because it is Adam's and he needs it. K.C. threw a huge fit that he didn't get the tube. Big Brother said, "now K.C. knows how it feels!" I said, "what do you mean?" He says, "he has always been first, now K.C. is second and Adam is first, I guess I will always be third." I looked at him and said, "hmmmm, well it's better that being fourth!" He said, "who's fourth?" I told him, "me ya big dummy!" That gave him a fit of the giggles. I am glad he is smiling again.

My Mom is gone and my heart will always be sad because she's not here, but I can tell you having these boys with me and seeing them smile makes my heart happy. It is going to be a challenge but I am determined to give each of them the best, happiest lives possible.

I have learned something from my Mom that she did for Adam since she found out he was Autistic years ago. She saved for him, had life insurance so that when she did pass he would be well cared for for his lifetime. She always knew the right things to do. I talked with our family lawyer and he said because of my Mom, Adam, me and the boys would be able to make it without worrying about money. I wondered all these years when my Mom said, "if anything ever happens to me you will have to take care of your brother." I always said, "I know." I Never thought it would happen even though I knew my Mom was sick. She knew I would be able to care for them, I understand things more now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, I don't really have any friends that stop by our house. I feel very blessed to have all of you and to be able to talk about my feelings here on the blog.


Niksmom said...

Tina, I've been thinking about youall week and wondering how you were holding up. It sounds like your mother was a very wise and smart woman; she maed sure that those she loved would be well cared for even after she's gone. I know it's not easy and that you will always miss her but at least it will be less of a financial strain.

It sounds like the camp thing will be great for both KC and Adam. And yes, it does sound like big brother needs some "special" attention, too. I have faith that it will all fall into place after a while.

Sending you love and hugs and good wishes for ALL of you.

Penny L. Richards said...

Knock-knock-knock. That's my virtual simulation of stopping by your house.

This is such a hard time, but it sounds like you're doing well with the practicalities, anyway. Just know we're thinking of you, and smiling at your mother's foresight, too.

Now you should also imagine the casserole in my arms--careful, it's hot. Next time I'll bring some Milano cookies (my usual mom-to-mom offering).

JUST A MOM said...

Tina I can only say to you... PLEASE anything I am here. you have my eamil or if not here it is again ,, you need to blow you need to cry you need anything let me know you are very brave but remember that if YOU are not taken care of then the boys are getting less.

Lynanne said...

i'm just now catching up with your blog. i'm so so sorry to hear about your mom. my thoughts are with you and your family

LAA and Family said...

I admire your strength and determination, you have so much going on right now! K.C. and Adam, and your entire family are lucky to have you. You are in my thoughts and prayers as you all get used to your new life in the coming weeks and months!

Donetta said...

Oh this must be so hard for you . I am so sorry for the difficult times at hand. I have every confidence in you that you are doing an amazing job. I am so proud of you and I know she is too.

kristina said...

I am sorry that we do not live near by. I would come right over to say hi or bring you (#4---it's good to see you have your sense of humor!) something. Please make sure you get a few moments for yourself -- like your mom did, you have so many to look out for and you can do it.

Big hug!

redheadmomma said...

I just have one thing to say:


You are so inspirational. I hope you feel all the blessings & strength we're sending your way!


gretchen said...

Wow Tina. I feel so emotionally drained, just from reading what you are going through. I hope that knowing we are all out here supporting you gives you some strength. It sounds like you are handling everything really well and making some really smart decisions for ALL the boys! You are a special woman and they are lucky to have you.

Anonymous said...

oh, i am sending all of you my thoughts and prayers and wishes for this transitional time to go as smoothly as it can. it must be incredibly painful for you. i would feel devastated by the loss of my mom. i am so sorry about her death. so very sorry. i'm relieved to hear that the finances will work out. that's HUGE.

and even though i don't know your brother, my gut tells me that talking about your mother, about her going, about what's happened, will help him a lot.

Melissa H said...

Tina -

I'm here for you in any way that you need me. I tried sending you a shiva basket but, because of Passover, I couldn't find any place open to send it. :-( Please let me know if you still need food.



kristi said...

I am thinking of you and your "3 boys" everyday! I am praying for you.

Mom to Max said...

I have not visited you in some time and just learned about your sad news. I am so very sorry about your mom. I can't even imagine all that you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

A Bishops Wife said...

"Big Brother said, "now K.C. knows how it feels!" I said, "what do you mean?" He says, "he has always been first, now K.C. is second and Adam is first, I guess I will always be third." I looked at him and said, "hmmmm, well it's better that being fourth!" He said, "who's fourth?" I told him, "me ya big dummy!" That gave him a fit of the giggles. I am glad he is smiling again."

This comment you made just made me cry...may God bless you and you are not only an example but a real life HERO.

Mom to Max said...

just stopping by to check up on you. just wanted to say hello and i hope you are doing okay.

mommy~dearest said...

I too, have been away for awhile- I am so sorry for your loss. I am sort of speechless at the moment, but you and your family are in my prayers as well.

Kittymama said...

I've been unable to leave a comment for the longest time because I forgot my blogger password. I know thinsg are difficult now and I just wanted to send you love from this side of the world to help ease some of the pain.
When you lose someone you love, it can leave you crippled and disoriented for a while. I know how it feels, I've been there. We can only stand by you in your hour of grief, and hold your hand, and pray for you and your family fervently.
You are in my prayers, my friend. Be strong, be brave, everything will be alright.

Mrs. C said...

I was just scrolling down earlier. I hadn't realized all this was so RECENT! What a big bunch of changes the whole family is going through! Whew. I'm very glad the family has you. You have a beautiful family and I'm blessed reading your blog.