Slowly but surely.

It has been a challenging week for our family. I am so heartbroken, I miss my Mother so very much. I haven't had time to cry. I have been so busy with the boys, it is good that I have been so busy or I would sit and think all day long and cry. It is so hard, I keep thinking I can pick the phone up and call her during the day, I don't know why I keep doing that.

How all three boys are doing.

My little Brother (Adam) is trying very hard. He was with my Mom always and it is has been very rough on him. The four days of having Adam at our house was tough, bless his heart, it has to be so confusing for him and horrible for him. He hit me all week but thankfully didn't hit K.C. or Big Brother. He's a teenager so his hits are much different than a smaller kiddos. The last time he hit me he was pacing the floors in front of the door, my Dad talked to Adam, I don't know if he understands completely that Mom is gone because he is always looking and pacing as if he's going to go somewhere or someone may be coming. The last time hit me he hit me hard, I feel horrible but I yelled at him, I told him that I missed Mom too and that he had to stop hitting me, I told him I miss her too again to be sure he understood. His hands dropped down as if I said the right thing. I really feel we have made a connection, I know he understood me, I could feel it. Things will get better but we all have been through so much it is going to be a long time before things are "back to the way they were, as Big Brother asked me. I want to make a collection of my Mom and Adams photos and go through them with him at bedtime or whenever he has the book and tell him what's happening in each picture. I have a very strong feeling he would want me to talk about Mom and show him photos but I am not sure if it's right for Adam or not. His hands did drop down and he did stop hitting when I said, "I miss her too." Maybe he wants me to talk about her? I am trying very very hard to read into Adam. He's non verbal and communicates with grunts, screams and pulling my hand and putting it on what he wants if he can't get into it himself. I talked to Adam's therapists and we all agreed that the sooner we have him back in school and back to his schedule the better. He has been going back to school and things are getting better. I even managed to get him enrolled in an Autism Summer Camp where his therapist that works with him now will go along with him as long as their expenses are paid.

K.C. has had a rough time with so many changes. When I brought my brother home with us, Adam REFUSED to ride in our car. He has been in our car before and I am not sure why he didn't want to be in it this time. My Dad said to take my Mom's van and use it for Adam. Sure enough he hopped right in. Only problem was that K.C. REFUSED to ride in my Mom's van. He screamed, fell to the ground and I wanted to cry. After 20 minutes I finally got him in the van and we all left. I felt sad driving my Mom's van, thought about what she might have been thinking when she drove with my brother, about Autism. Did she ever cry when she drove? It's hard to be in the van but for now it is helping with the boys and they are getting used to riding together. I did something I never thought I would do, when I enrolled Adam in summer camp I asked K.C.'s therapist that tutors him at home if they would go to Summer camp with K.C. One agreed to! I can send K.C. this Summer and not worry as much as if he knew no one there. It will be a first for K.C. and I think it will help him with socialization skills. Just being in a group of kiddos that are his age. I will be able to spend time with Big Brother who has been very quiet lately. It is all overwhelming for him, he is now the middle boy, sees the big changes and maybe he feels lonely having two boys in the house who won't play with him. I did get him to smile yesterday, my brother was in the living room with us, he has a very long chewy tube, it's more like a long clear thin hose type thing, I always tell him what my Mom used to tell him, "Adam the hose is in your mouth, not on the floor." He drags it on the ground when it's not in his mouth. I don't know where my Mom got it but he has had it for a long time and it goes where he goes. K.C. tried to snatch it away from Adam and I made K.C. give it back to Adam because it is Adam's and he needs it. K.C. threw a huge fit that he didn't get the tube. Big Brother said, "now K.C. knows how it feels!" I said, "what do you mean?" He says, "he has always been first, now K.C. is second and Adam is first, I guess I will always be third." I looked at him and said, "hmmmm, well it's better that being fourth!" He said, "who's fourth?" I told him, "me ya big dummy!" That gave him a fit of the giggles. I am glad he is smiling again.

My Mom is gone and my heart will always be sad because she's not here, but I can tell you having these boys with me and seeing them smile makes my heart happy. It is going to be a challenge but I am determined to give each of them the best, happiest lives possible.

I have learned something from my Mom that she did for Adam since she found out he was Autistic years ago. She saved for him, had life insurance so that when she did pass he would be well cared for for his lifetime. She always knew the right things to do. I talked with our family lawyer and he said because of my Mom, Adam, me and the boys would be able to make it without worrying about money. I wondered all these years when my Mom said, "if anything ever happens to me you will have to take care of your brother." I always said, "I know." I Never thought it would happen even though I knew my Mom was sick. She knew I would be able to care for them, I understand things more now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, I don't really have any friends that stop by our house. I feel very blessed to have all of you and to be able to talk about my feelings here on the blog.