Very Sad Week Pray For Us

My Dad has been struggling with the flu (flu like symptoms) over a two month period. Over the two months he got Pneumonia and has had Asthma ever since I can remember. I remember him always carrying an inhaler. He's also been depressed since Mom passed away in April. He passed away last week very quietly in his sleep. The folks at the care home called me at 5 a.m. and asked me to come to the centre. I knew it was going to happen. I had the feeling. I called Rabbi Levy and he did show up an hour later. Called relatives, said they would leave as soon as possible. My Dad's brother lives in Israel along with his wife and children. If it wasn't for Rabbi Levy and his kindness I couldn't have planned alone. I have been so scatterbrained not to mention this week Rosh Hashanah. It's given me strength that I need and my children need. The Shiva was so hard. I didn't think I could do it. I just kept thinking of Mom and now Dad and how lonely he's been without her. They did everything together. I have watched his health go down the tubes since Mom passed away. He just lost any love for life. It weakened him. Broke my heart. Still breaking. We feel very alone now. I only have my grandma who is very old. Now I keep thinking she will be leaving us soon.

Dad's brother asked that the boys and I come to stay with his family in Israel for a couple weeks. I'm not sure. Scatterbrained I am. Sorry this post is so scattered. Maybe getting away would be good for me but the boys routines would be so interrupted I think it would be extremely tough. Our helper who is also Jewish says she would come along to help with Adam and KC. I'm thinking yes we should try...still don't know. For sure nothing is certain.

The Hand Watcher

This is what Big Brother has been calling me lately. Let me explain.

KC will not keep his hands out of his pants period. From front to back, me catching him, washing his hands, stopping him (trying to not make a big deal out of it or he'll do it more) even does it in the store or wherever he wants. Then I have AdMan Adam, "my pincher." Watching both boys hands has become quite tough. Adam is easier to stop but KC is alot harder and more obvious. Anybody have any ideas? Clothing etc? It seems ever since we have been trying to get him out of his diapers so he's totally using the toilet and Big Boy underwear he won't stop with the hands.

On an awesome note, his teacher reports that on Friday he used the toilet 4 times, no diapers! We are so close to being out of the diapers during the day, I mean totally not using them during the day! I'm so proud of him!

KC and The Boys - PEZ Candy

Hi Bloggers,

It's been awhile since I've blogged, been so darn busy with back to school stuff and I had surgery. My Gallbladder was removed, I had a stone in my bile duct and it nearly killed me (pain wise anyway.) I am still recovering and had my staples removed last week. It was two surgeries, one was down my throat to remove the stone in the duct and the other was abdominal. I have been one slow moving Mama and thank God that I had Big Brother as my HUGE helper. While I was recovering I really thought the change would upset Adam and KC tremendously. Guess what? Somehow they sensed I wasn't feeling well and never had a melt down or pinching from Adam. I had only one day to prepare for the surgery so Tacey our helper and I prepped the boys with PECS. It worked wonders! When I got home I let the boys see my staples and all of them did look. I think that also made a difference. Big Brother was disappointed that I couldn't bring the stones home. They were sent to the lab :( Yuck!

All my boys are back in school and doing well. KC had one hair pulling incident at therapy and ripped a total bald spot at the top of his head so we had to shave it yet again. Just when we thought we had the hair pulling beat :(

Ad Man Adam is now shaving with help. I can't believe it. I mean gosh he's not my little brother no more, he's my more grown up little brother. My Mom would be so proud at that strides he is making. (Forgot to mention) after surgery I couldn't get up from a sitting position without help. Adam was in the living room and I extended my hand to him and said, "help me Adam, I can't get up I'm hurt." I swear to you I could not believe what happened next. He stood their looking off as if not to hear me, I started to put my hand down when he held his hand out for me to grab! People can you believe it? He not only extended his hand he pulled as I pulled his arm he pulled back! Yes I cried like a baby. Gosh I love that kiddo!


I used to collect PEZ dispensers as a kid and loved the candy that came with the dispenser as well :)

On a recent visit to KC's Developmental Ped. the nurse working their suggested PEZ candy as a treat (for an ABA incentive).

What's even better they are Gluten and Allergen Free hooray!

The only not so good thing about the dispensers he isn't coordinated enough to load it. Still he loves them even though Mom has to help.

We have been using the candies in his ABA program and he's doing great, (to him they are heaven and worth working for!)

So far he's collected 6 dispensers.

The part I love best is that it's something I loved collecting as a kid and to see my son 'collecting' them too is cool. Maybe I'm not so old school after all?


Big Brother has been playing football and loves it! He's changing so much. He used to be very serious and into Science stuff, but now he's into football. I have also noticed a huge change in how he wants his peers to see him. I am used to holding Adam and KC's hand wherever we go. Me being in the middle in case Adam has a pinching fit. On an outing I had just K.C. and Big Brother as Adam was in his after school Habilitation program. I tried holding Big Brother's hand and he pulled away. I asked him, "what's wrong?" He said, "Mom I'm not a baby anymore and not Autistic." I let him know straight away that I hold his hand cause I love him. Still I see him pulling away especially in front of his football buds. Makes me cry. I am glad that K.C. and Adam will let me hug them, hold their hands and never pull away. Who says Autistic kids can't show affection? I would say they are more affectionate than Big Brother right now! Both boys are non verbal but their body language says it all. My husband doesn't like that I treat K.C. and Adam "like Toddlers." I tell him, "there's nothing wrong with loving your kids at any age and any time."
That includes hugs and kisses from me. Adam went through a very hard transition when Mom died. He needed the extra attention and it hasn't been that long. Adam remembers. He has his favorite photo of Mom in his backpack and he never takes it out or tears it up. I'm very blessed to have two Autistic boys and one non Autistic kiddo.

Hope you are all well and your kiddos are doing super!

Happy Birthday To KC

Happy Birthday to my KC. He is 8 years old.( For Safety Concerns I never post the exact birth date) We had his birthday over the weekend and a beautiful Disney Cars cake. KC has never ate cake and even though we tried to get him to have at least one piece of his birthday cake he would not try. We sang happy birthday to him and things got a little noisy and I could see that he was tuning us out so we kept the party short.
We got alot of good eye contact and smiles at the party. He got a huge box of wooden blocks, books, play dough and Big Brother bought him a mood ring. I asked him, "why do you want him to wear the ring?" And he said, "gosh Mom it's simple, when he wears the ring we will know what kind of mood he's in and we won't have to guess." I thought it was cute. Strangely enough when we put the ring on his finger it showed mixed emotions. Don't know if they really work but it was interesting.
KC has been doing very well. We haven't had a hair pulling or head banging incident in so long! I am keeping my fingers crossed. He has been seizure free and we are so thankful to God for this. KC is signing more, to this day he can sign, thank you, more, finished, yellow, blue, please and dog. I am working very hard to get him to sin, "Mama." I know he will learn it and when he does sign "Mama" you will hear me crying like a baby. Just typing it and imagining it makes me tear up.
Lately KC has been walking straight up to me, looking at me and opening his mouth real wide. I know he's trying to tell me something but don't know what it is. His teeth look okay and I haven't seen any sores in his mouth. It has been a daily thing and when I can't figure out what he wants he gets really frustrated. Maybe I will figure it out soon.
Big Brother is swimming alot and still riding the darn skateboard. It scares me when he rides it but he loves it. Adam got a new bike! We got a three wheeler adult Trike from Trikezilla and it's wonderful! Adam has never been able to ride a bike and I thought maybe he could learn to ride an adult trike. Well he's learning! He is getting there. He's having some trouble pushing and alternating feet. One always slides off and hits the ground. I am going to try to find something to tie around his shoe so that it will stay on the pedal. I don't know if there is such a thing and if there isn't I'll try to come up with something.
We hope you and your families are well and happy. Thank you for stopping by!
Tina and Boys

KC at 2 years old

I found some video of K.C. and Big Brother when they were two and three years old. The video is quite old and grainy but thought I would post it anyways. Looking back (please watch entire video) I can see how I was in denial about K.C. having Autism. It was very clear then that he had no eye contact and loved flapping and spinning himself in circles. Still I looked the other way knowing that my brother has Autism and it was possible for my own child to have it as well. Those were tough days. Getting help and early intervention made a huge difference, had I kept looking the other way who knows what K.C. would have been like today.
Today K.C. is a very happy Big Boy who is nearly 8 years old. We love him dearly and he puts a smile on our faces everyday. Did I mention he knows how to give kisses now? You can imagine I am in heaven and request at least 20 kisses a day! He is amazing.

Summertime is here

It's summertime! We have been swimming just about everyday, it's been very warm here, 104 degrees and will be climbing. Big Brothers cast is off and things are easier now. He can get in and out of the van without dragging the crutches with him.
K.C. likes staying indoors. I literally have to pry his little butt out of the seat to get him to go outside for some sunlight. He loves staying indoors and Adam does too.
We went to a horse ranch yesterday with the boys, they got to brush and feed and ride the horses. K.C. wouldn't ride but tried to brush the horse. Ad Man Adam did ride! He was so tense when he got up on the horse, his shoulders were so stiff. A young guy lead the horse around slowly and eventually I could see Adam's shoulders begin to drop. He looked so relaxed compared to how he usually walks and stands, looks like he's always about to explode or fall forward. The rest of the day for Adam was really good. We are taking the boys back on Sat. If I could get K.C. up on the horse it would be awesome. It helps Adam so much I know I will be taking him as much as I can. I did forget my camera, it sat on the kitchen table :(
School is out next week for the boys! That means I am going to be one busy Mama. Adam will be going to Summer camp for a week and Big Brother will be going to San Fran to stay 2 weeks with his Daddy. It's just going to be K.C. and I. I am planning activities for us to do while the boys are away. I can't wait to spend the extra time with K.C. but will miss Adam and Big Brother very much. Adam has went to camp every year and I remember my Mom being so excited for Adam and planning his camp trip. We wouldn't miss it for the world.
I am doing o.k. feeling better now that things are adjusting a bit more. We have a routine we follow religiously and as long as there are no big changes things have been going smoothly. K.C. is tolerating change better. Maybe it's his age? I remember the developmental Pediatrician saying, "it gets easier with age." I guess he was right.
Bought the movie Twilight, hope it's good. I am going to watch it tonight. We hope you are all well and thank you for stopping by.

K.C. is wearing C.B.'s Tshirt.

Big Brother broke his leg

(Yes, that is a frozen food dinner he's eating, thank God for frozen food every now and then, especially on hectic days.)

Yep, I knew all those trips to the skate park would come back and bite us one day...three days ago to be exact. I take Big Brother to the skate park once a week, sometimes twice for his, "fun day." He's a skateboard junkie.

Things didn't go too well for him that day at the park. Somehow as he was going up a very high ramp, he didn't gain enough momentum to make it up and I watched in horror yes horror and thought to myself, "oh God this is going to hurt." As he tried to reach the top he knew he wasn't going to make a quickly turned the skateboard to head back down but turned to quickly and fell all the way down onto his head with his leg slamming down behind him. I was already down into the skate area running to him as kids started gathering asking him if he was o.k. He wasn't getting up so I knew it was bad. We tried to pull him to a standing position but he couldn't put any weight on it. I piggy backed him to the van, went home, picked up his insurance card and money for the co pay (gosh co pays suck) noticed K.C. and AdMan were doing fine with our helper friend and we left.

To make a long story a bit shorter, he broke one bone in his foot. We went to the Ortho doctor this morning and got a permanent cast. Why the ER gave us a weird cast I have no idea. I am lad that we went to the Ortho cause he knew what he was doing. So Big Brother will not be skating for a month.

At home life has been very difficult and busy. Our helper friend is staying full time to help me with all the boys. It's weird saying that cause poor Big Brother hardly ever needs help bless his heart. I feel so bad for him. He loves playing outside so much. K.C. and I did pull him around in the wagon yesterday. He did get some fresh air. K.C. and Adam have been in a sort of cranky moods cause of the change. K.C. spent nearly half the day trying to tear his cast off and I spent most of that day trying to stop him and distract him. He got so mad his nose was running his hair was full of sweat and he was so confused and seemed terrified. He did finally give up. Big Brother gives his cruthces to K.C. when K.C. approaches him. K.C. likes the crutches thank goodness.

Well I am off to bed, it's midnight here. Long day, need rest. Nighty.

Please and Time To Swim!

I can't believe it's 90 degrees here. Too soon for me. Big Brother asked if we could go swimming yesterday and I agreed. He really didn't swim all that much but he did lay in the sun alot. K.C. sat at a table eating his snack he brought with him. He was such a good boy at the pool.

Last night as I was up with K.C. watching him play because he refused to lay down, I heard something I couldn't believe. K.C. got tired eventually and headed for the couch. When he's falling asleep he's always chattering and making noises. He was doing the same last night and I was smiling through the whole thing cause his little noises can be funny. Then after a few more noises I heard a "pwease." Yes, I really heard it I DID! I wasn't asleep or falling asleep. He said, "pwease" with a w sound. His eyes were shut and he was half asleep. My jaw dropped opened. I clapped quietly by myself and sat down to listen some more. The rest of his noises were just noises, but I heard him say, "pwease." I wish my Mom were here for me to call and tell her. As I drove the boys to school Adam rode in the front seat with me. Big Brother rode with K.C. I let them all know what I heard cause I had to share it with someone! I told K.C. he said it when he was half awake and half asleep. I bet he was having a dream about home or school and was needing something and said "pwease" in his head but it actually came out in his half awake half asleep state. I will be listening more every night. Wow is all I can say!
There is a little typical boy inside there. He thinks just like we do but can't get it out. I totally feel it.
I had to share this and document it in his baby book. Well it's turned into a journal after the baby book stopped at 5 years old. I once thought I would never be able to wrote down his first word ever. Now so far we have heard, "mama, up and pwease." The weird thing is we have only heard the 1 time and never again. Hopefully we will hear them more!

Mr. Sleepy Head. His life has been very busy these days, it's no wonder he conks out so quickly.

K.C. has to have everything perfect. When we go somewhere he has to bring 3 or 4 favorite objects from home with him. When we are in the car he puts his things down just right and God forbid they get touched or moved, he will lose it. I just wonder why he insists on taking these things with him if they are a great source of frustration. He won't leave the house without his, car, toy cell phone, food item and drink with a straw. I guess it's o.k?

Yesterday Big Brother was outside riding his bike with the neighborhood kids. I can see them from the window trying to jump a mini ramp a kid brought. There were roughly 16 kids out there. The youngest looked 4 and the oldest 14 or 13. I went out to check on Big Brother (also to let the other kids know I'm watching and they had better not be mean to B.B.) K.C. walked with me. Some of the kids asked B.B., "who's that boy with your mom?" "Can he play?" B.B didn't even answer, he just rode off. He gave me a quick look and left. This is the very first time I could see in Big Brother's face that he was ashamed. I knew it right away. I took K.C. inside quickly. I don't know why but I was angry and hurt at B.B. I let him play a little longer and then called him inside. He was quiet, he knew I was disappointed. At dinnertime I figured we'd make tacos so that he could help. He always grates the cheese and washes the vegetables. We started talking. I asked him if he felt embarrassed by K.C. He said, "yes." Then said, "only because if K.C. makes a weird noise and they know he's Autistic they will make fun of me every chance they get." These are the only children in the neighborhood for him to socialize with. He likes these kids so I am kinda at a, "not sure what to do moment." I have noticed that Big Brother is changing a lot. He wants to be even more independent and gets embarrassed when I hold his hand or hug him in public. I guess he's getting older. I can say that I am surely thankful K.C. lets me hug and love on him all I want. He doesn't worry about being embarrassed. Two boys, completely different. I am starting to wonder if I should make friends with Autism families and find an NT sibling of an Autistic child that Big Brother can connect with. I just don't want it to be about K.C. and Autism all the time. It's not fair to B.B. I guess I have alot of thinking to do. One thing is certain. I am not going to keep K.C. inside just because of some kids who are jerks. He has a right to play just as they do. If I hear them make fun of K.C. I will come unglued. I know in my heart that K.C. understands everything that is being said around him. He just can't show it.

K.C. has been going to habilitation everyday. He's doing well. He likes the art center the most and I swear he almost drew eyes and a smile! I could see it! There are also group activities, he hates group time but has his hab person sit through it with him. Hopefully he will learn to like it.

Ad man Adam is great. I bought him an IPOD and he loves it! He's always wearing it and if you were to glance at him he just looks like a teen guy with an IPOD. You know, just one of the guys. I'm really happy that he likes it. He picked pink. What is with the color pink? I took K.C. to get new shoes and put three pairs in front of him and he picked DC soes that were pink. I tried to take the pink ones away and he had a fit. We got the pink ones because he likes them. Pink can be for guys too can't it?

I am doing better. Not as tired anymore now that the boys are going to Habilitation. I can get tons of things done while they are away and can even sleep! I was scared at first to leave them, the trust factor is huge with me. Everyone around me kept telling me to try. I finally did and I have a good feeling when I do drop them off and pick them up. They are happy there and have had better coping skills that I can notice already. I should have done this along time ago.

We hope you all are o.k. and we are sending a very big hug to Nik and his Mama. Feel better soon Nik!

Thank God for Habilitation and Respite

K.C.'s Support coordinator and Adam my little brothers Support Coordinator came by for their 2 month visit. They come every two months to check up on the boys. K.C.'s Support Coordinator said that I looked, "very tired" and encouraged me to use my Habilitation and Respite hours for the boys. I promised her I would. I have had these hours all along and really haven't utilized them as much as I should have.

So yesterday and today the boys Daddy and I made our list of questions to bring along as we checked places out. I would be asking most of the questions (their Dad feels better if I do the talking cause his English is broken badly) and their Dad would be checking to see if the place looked escape proof and to see if there was anything out in the open that shouldn't be, like chemicals cleaners etc.

We visited 4 centers in all. We both agreed that the last place we checked which was this morning was best for Adam and K.C. It had many educational centers going on, sensory room and best of all both boys would be within arms reach of their habilitator at all times. There was an area for bigger kids, in fact there was even a program for adults. The adults come in the morning and leave before 2 p.m. At that point there is a huge sign that says, "No Adults Beyond This Point After 2 p.m." So K.C. and Adam will be going straight to the center after school and I will be picking them up at 6 p.m. The center wants them to come everyday but I think it's too much, after all I have to see my boys still! So 3 days a week they will go and on Saturday from 10am to 3p.m. K.C.'s Dad was convinced the place was escape proof for the boys because we couldn't even get out the door to leave, those child locks are tricky. I still worry though, most of you remember what had happened not that long ago that K.C. did escape from home. It was horrible and I have become extremely careful each day.

Big Brother and I are going to be spending time at some of the places he wants to go but can't go when K.C. and Adam are home because it's too noisy for them. Even when I do go somewhere with Big Brother alone, he kinda shuffles around and looks sad like he's missing something. I have to try to let him know it's o.k. if we go sometimes without the boys. I have told him that even if we did take them they wouldn't have a good time because of the noise (we have tried several times)and the boys would appreciate it we didn't bring them to such noisy places. Big Brother is not so convinced.

UPDATE: I started this post on Saturday and it's now Sunday afternoon. We have just came back from the skateboard park with Big Brother ( it's an older video but you get the idea. while we were there I noticed I was the ONLY parent supervising my child. I watched Big Brother skateboard and noticed an older guy probably about 20 to 25 years old walked in to the skate area. He had no skateboard or bike. Then I noticed a bunch of little kids and 1 teenager go to the guy. I was sitting across from them. Me being the nosy Mom like I am listened to what they were saying. Most of it was in Spanish as they were all Hispanic. (I took 3 years of Spanish I high school.) This guy was saying, "I have some candy that will make you feel like your in heaven." Then I watched him pull this bag of drugs right out of his duffel bag in front of EVERYONE. He then asked a kid about 11 years old, "wanna roll a joint." The kid said, "yeah." They were smoking POT! I could not believe this was happening. Big Brother rode over to me and said, "Mom that cigarette smells funny, is it a different kind?" I picked up my cell phone and dialed 911 and spoke to the operator very quietly. I explained what was going on and she sent an officer our way. I stayed on the phone with her keeping an eye on the children and the guy. When the guy saw the cops come, he reached into his pants and threw the bag of drugs into the duffel bag and walked away. The officer approached him and asked him straight away where the bags were. The guy looking like he's all innocent says, "you can even search me." Another cop came and walked toward us. I then told him his bag was at the foot of the stairs. They retrieved the bag and put the cuffs on the guy (*who was wanted) and took the kids to their parents house.

We will not be going back there ever again. We will drive a little further to a different skate park that is in a better safer area. The world is so dangerous, kids have to be supervised nearly every second.

Lightrail and the mean old lady

Each weekend K.C., Adam and Big Brother have been riding the light rail all the way into Phoenix. K.C. loves the light rail so much, Adam as well. Big Brother likes it too but just not as much as K.C. and Adam. We take the light rail into Phoenix, then get off and eat at Taco Bell. I have been taking the three boys alone on these trips without help. It's something we want to do as a family. I feel confident that there will be no troubles because they love rididng so much. So far so good. Adam loves putting the money into the ticket machine and getting our passes. I really enjoy going too, Big Brother and I talk alot on these trips. It takes about 1 hr and 20 minutes to get into Phoenix. That is a long trip for the kids, I am so proud of them.

K.C. has been taking a black comb with him everywhere, he's learning to brush his hair. He chews on the comb sometimes and knows he shouldn't so lately he just puts the comb to his lips. I really think he likes that his hair has grown out, I won't be cutting it again unless he starts pulling it out again. Let's pray he doesn't pull it.
Yesterday was not a good day for us. I took K.C. grocery shopping with me, his Dad is in town from San Fran. He took K.C. and I for Dim Sum with some friends of his. We all sat around a very big table and people were talking, laughing, it was noisy but K.C. did really well. The last 15 minutes at the restaurant he had had enough. He was reading to leave and we did.
After we ate, we headed toward the grocery store. As we went into the store K.C. looked very nervous, his little smile looked frantic and I told his Dad that we should do the shopping later because I didn't think K.C. would make it through the whole shopping trip. He agreed so we were going to leave but K.C. wouldn't budge. After he heard that we were going home that was it. He cried and screamed at the top of his lungs, people were staring, I asked his Dad to stop talking to K.C. because he was making it worse. His Dad is hardly ever here, he doesn't know how to handle K.C. When K.C. is angry words make it worse. He doesn't want to hear anything. He finally got up but wouldn't leave the store. He was walking again, but crying, his cry this time was different, he totally knew he was disappointed in himself for not being able to make it through the store. It was a heart wrenching cry. Tears everywhere, I said to K.C. I know he wants to stay and make it through the store, we were going to try. He did cry on and off but through the store I was instructing him to put things into the cart. He knows what food he likes and will pick it up and put it into the cart all by himself! As we turned the corner in the store, K.C. smacked himself in the face hard with both hands, each side of his face. His Dad was shocked. Again his Dad hurried over to him and held his hands, he was even looking around the store to see if we had drawn a crowd! During the whole trip I have to say that hurt me the most, to know his Dad was more concerned about who was watching than K.C. K.C.'s hitting and crying didn't bother me and neither did the people. I knew if we left him alone he would stop. I didn't notice that there was this old lady was staring at us for the longest time. His Dad kept telling me to look at her cause she was staring but I was concentrating on K.C., wondering what had set him off. I didn't look at her until she approached us and said, "I can't believe you are letting him behave that way." That was it. I knew I was telling this woman off. Her voice sounded mean, not caring like my own grandma would sounds. I have always been told to respect elderly people but this lady wasn't giving us any respect so I said to her, "you really need to mind your own business." I thought that would be enough to send her walking but it wasn't. She then said, "it was the most awful parenting she had ever seen." I was pissed. I told her, again, to mind her own business and to leave us alone. K.C.'s Dad looked angry at me! Me of all people! For some reason he felt he owed this lady an explanation, he said to her, "my son is Autistic." That lady walked away muttering under her breath, "excuses, excuses."
We did manage to make it through the trip. K.C. finally calmed down just enough to make it through.
When we loaded the groceries into the van and got K.C. seat belted in (he can do it himself now!) his Dad didn't move. He had his hands on his head and was sweating. He said he was a nervous wreck. We switched seats so that I could drive. I had took and box of banana pop sickles out of the bag before I put them into the van. I handed his Dad the popsickle and asked him to open it for K.C. He stared at me like I was nuts. I said, "well are you going to open it?" Just then we heard a thump noise and looked back, it was K.C. chewing at the interior of the van just near the side of him. There are obvious tear marks in the van from K.C. His Dad said, "oh my God he's destroying the van!" I then said, "NOW ARE YOU GOING TO OPEN THE POPSICLE!" He opened it quickly and K.C. stopped what he was doing. He was happy. Many of you may be thinking, does she always give him Popsicles in the car? The answer is no way. He does chew the side interior but I figure it's not going to hurt him, just the van. He knows the only time he gets Popsicles is on a trip to the store. He doesn't shop with me that much but when he does I always buy him Popsicles. He's not spoiled in my book. I think of it as more of an understanding that K.C. and I have. A silent understanding. It's unbelievable the communication we have without him being able to say a thing. His Dad kind of stared at me on the way home. He kept glancing at K.C. in his mirror. It was quiet. I was at peace and so was K.C. This was just a small incident. The only words that were said was from his Daddy. He kept saying, my son is handicapped, he will always be with us, no college, no job, no marry, no future. He also said he thinks God is punishing him for something he has done. I did speak up and asked him to stop saying negative crap because K.C. could hear every word he was saying. He doesn't understand anything his Dad kept saying. I know he understands and I asked him again to stop and he did. If K.C. wants to go to college he will go with help. If he wants to marry he can. If wants to have a job he will. He has a future. I will admit there was a time I felt the same way his Dad does but have learned that K.C. IS DOING GREAT FOR K.C. Things don't always have to be the same way. He's doing well for K.C. and I love him dearly.
Time for me to go have a popsickle!

Update: Surgery for K.C.

Just a quick update on K.C. and his surgery. I'll make this as short as possible :)
K.C. came out of Anesthesia fighting, crying and pulling his hair out. The nurses called me back to recovery as soon as he woke up because he was so upset. When I walked back to recovery I saw 4 nurses surrounding him. Each nurse had a foot and a arm. K.C. had ripped the i.v. out and they were trying their best to put the i.v. back in his foot this this time. It broke my heart to see him so upset. The nurses decided to move this to a recovery room that had a sliding door to it. We kept the door shut to not disturb the other patients (children) who were in recovery. Everything that we tried to calm K.C. with didn't work. The nurse left saying she was going to call the doctor and when she came back she had a needle with meds in it. I asked her what it was and she said Morphine. She gave him the shot and he fell asleep almost immediately. I could hear the blood in his throat for him screaming so much. His little nose was bloody too. She suctioned both out after she gave the shot. I stayed with him and the nurse took a seat and monitored him. They had this thing on his finger that monitors how much oxygen your body is getting and K.C.'s kept dropping down into the 70's. The Morphine had a bad affect on him. The nurse got an oxygen mask and put it to his nose and turned the oxygen on. He wore it for about an hour and slowly his oxygen levels returned. Thank God, I was so scared I thought I was going to totally lose it.
After recovery the nurses wheeled him down to a room, a private room to rest. I can honestly tell all the Mom's and Dad's out there it is the toughest thing I have ever had to do. Keeping a child, any child for that matter in a hospital room for three days is HARD. Ont he second day he was better but sore. I could tell cause he sounded so raspy and kept trying to stick his fingers down his throat and up his nose. I brought all his movies, markers, pens ETC. I knew we were in for a long 3 days. K.C. refused to wear the hospital gown they gave him and kept taking it off so I put his regular shirt on.
Today he is still sore and last night his breathing was sounding obstructed so I looked up his nose and he had a big blood clot up there. I couldn't get it out because his nose is still sore and he doesn't know how to blow his nose. Today we have an appt. to see if the doctor can get it out. I forgot to mention that in one of K.C.'s ears the doctor said, "there was a foreign body in his right ear." I asked what it was and he said, "skittles." I guess that K.C.'s reinforcer for ABA also went in his ears. We will have to watch more carefully.
The boys stayed with our helper friend and Big Brother called quite a bit saying the house was so quiet without K.C. and wanted him to come home. He really missed him. Ad-Man Adam has started growing hairs on his chin! This is all new for us and I am wondering how to deal with it that's best for Adam. I wish I could ask Adam if he would like to keep the hair growing on his chin or take it off. We are going to make cards of both choices and see if we can get him to tell us that way. I always want to respect whatever he does and I can bet that Adam knows so much in his head and certainly can decide if he wants to shave or not. He just cannot communicate it. Wish us luck!
K.C.'s Autism class sent his a big get well card, each child had their thumb print on and the teacher put each child's name under their thumb print. His OT and Speech teacher signed it too. Yesterday I read it to him and he was very quiet, I read it twice to make sure he heard and understood. Guess what? He didn't tear the card up or scribble on it. He looked at it through out the day, feeling it and just looking at it. He knows. He knows.
P.S. yes that is a baby bottle you see in one of the photos. Yes K.C. still has a bottle when he's upset to calm him. He has only one a day. I know that he shouldn't but I can't see how it hurts anything and the way it calms him benefits him. I hope I don't get bashed too much for saying that.
Thanks for reading and stopping by to check on K.C. and the boys. We love you guys!

What's Been Going On.

Hello Friends,

Sorry I haven't posted in so long....It has been so busy here with the boys and I got sick (very scary).
During the holidays that the boys had off for school I got sick. So sick in fact that I had to call 911. I had just finished making dinner for the boys and started to put the dishes into the sink when I felt my heart palpitating very fast. I sat down cause it scared me so much. I called Big Brother downstairs and asked him if he would sit with me cause I was sick and a little scared. He looked kinda shocked but he stayed with me. I kept feeling worse and mentioned to Big Brother in a very happy sort of way that, "gosh, I feel horrible, I wonder what we would do if I fainted or something like that?" Then I said, "Oh I know, you could call 911 and make sure you stay with the boys every second." Meanwhile as I am talking to Big Brother I am getting worse, my heart starts beating faster and then I start to not be able to breath or hear anything, then, I was told, "I passed out."
I woke up to Big Brother leaning over me with the phone in his hand and crying. He was talking to 911. I saw K.C. walk right pass me and walk to the refrigerator and go back to the living room with a big smile on his face. He was scared to death my brave little boy was. God I hated myself for being sick and felt like such a failure for making him go through this. The paramedics came and started an i.v. and put me on a heart monitor, they gave me something called Dopamine and Potassium something something. I felt better but weak, very weak. The whole time I am thinking and freaking out cause my boys had no one to stay with them cause our helper went home (out of state) for the holidays. The officer asked me if he could call anyone (police arrived first) and I mentally went through my list of who was home. My Dad was the only person I could call. He is in a retirement care home but I had no choice. A female officer walked through the door and walked K.C. and Big Brother outside because, "she had something really cool to show them in her patrol car." Adam never came down stairs so I mentioned to the officer that my little brother was upstairs and he might be really scared hearing the commotion. I heard the officer knock on the door that was probably already standing wide open, I heard footsteps, then really fast footsteps, I knew those were Adam's and he was making a run to hide in the closet. I asked another officer who was downstairs to go up stairs and ask the other officer to come back down and leave Adam alone cause he's scared. He did come down thankfully he didn't insist he come out of the closet. I have Autism Stickers, Their ages and Names on the boys bedroom doors just in case.
The female officer came back in with the boys as they loaded me into the ambulance. I asked them to stop so I could talk to the boys. I was so scared leaving them, I tried to hold back crying and it was hard. I told Big Brother to look after Adam and K.C. the very best he could and help the officers til Papa came. I told K.C. I love him and "Mama was going to the hospital cause she wasn't feeling to good and that I would be back." I must tell you, I felt so horrible I really thought I was dying. I wondered if what I just told K.C. was a lie. I always try to be straight forward with him so he knows what to expect and that I mean it. The female officer said she would stay with the boys til their grandpa came. Thank God for this lady.
I went to the hospital praying my Dad would hurry as fast as he possibly could to our house. I knew Adam was so scared. I just wanted to jump off the stretcher and run up the stairs and hold him.
When I got to the hospital I had another EEG that showed my heart was at 145 beats per minute, the lab came and took blood, I went for an MRI, they had to shoot this dye in my veins, they were looking for clots. The dye is kinda scary, it makes your entire body heat up and you can feel it going through every vein in your body. I also had a chest xray. When the labs came back they said I had extremely low amounts of Potassium and then the doctor said I was very dehydrated. She asked me if I was taking care of myself, in my head I though, "not really like I should be." I told her I was taking care of myself. I had to stay overnight to get i.v.s to re hydrate me and then I had to get an i.v. of Potassium which burns so bad it is unbearable. It feels like fire going through your veins. The nurse had warned me before she began the Potassium.
My Dad came up to the hospital the next morning and I freaked out seeing him there thinking the boys were alone. He said that our helper had taken a flight back to AZ. He then went on to say that as soon as I left in the ambulance Big Brother called our helper friend and told her to come back fast. She did, all the way from Chicago. God Bless her. God bless her.
Before I went home the doctor said I have got to eat, drink and take good care of myself. Thinking about things since my Mom passed, Adam coming to stay with us and just everything in general I had weighed, 155 lbs, now I am down to 135lbs. I didn't stop long enough to realize what was happening. I knew I was losing weight but really never stopped to think why. Everything has been such a whirlwind. Things will change. I am very lucky I am still here and will never put the boys through that again.
Adam was the first kiddo I seeked out when I got home. He was happy to see me and I asked him for a big big hug and got it. Gosh I love that Big Boy. I felt like I had been gone for ages. I am just so glad to be home with the boys again. The Boys are my life and the reason I am live. My whole world revolves around them and their happiness. I just have to remember to eat and drink!
Before I got sick we did some Mountain climbing and I took Big Brother and Adam to see the snow, K.C. does not like snow on his hands at all. K.C. stayed with our helper and just the three of us went up north. It was beautiful and cold. Big Brother needed to get away badly. This little boy does so much for me I feel very guilty for making him do so much. Do you guys feel like that too? I asked Big Brother while we were driving in the car how he felt his life was going. We always talk like this and it gives me good insight. He said, "its going pretty good mom, sometimes its hard and K.C. and Adam can be a pain in the butt especially K.C. but my friend at school says his brother is a pain too and he DOES NOT have Autism. When he said those words, word for word I quote him, it made me happy. He understands all brothers no matter Autistic or not Autistic can be a pain in the butt.
The kids are back in school and things will be o.k. til January 12Th. January 12Th is when K.C. is having surgery. We have been visiting an ENT Doctor and he wants K.C. to have, "every benefit he has to offer him to help him." He is having his tonsils and adenoids removed along with a Sinus reduction up his nose. Tubes put in his ears too. He will be having the works. We will see if this helps K.C.. I am praying it will help him out. Please pray for him January 12th. I am so nervous for him. We went to a meeting type thing last night that allows the children who will be having surgery to walk through where they will be at in the hosp and get to try an Anesthesia mask on etc. K.C. was not thrilled but I took pictures to let him know that, "soon he will visit the hospital again." I marked it on the calendar.
Lots happening with the boys.
Thank you all for checking in, we love you guys!

Peter Piper Pizza and one awful day.

Hello! I am happy to report that Adam has been taking art classes with an instructor! (work is displayed on the sidebar) The instructor works with special needs kids and he says Adam has real talent! His memory for detail is unbelievable when it comes to painting, the painting above he worked on for a week! After he had finished it, the instructor set his work area up, paints etc. the second painting was an exact replica of his first! I mean down to the last detail! We don't know if he seen this himself somewhere or if it's his own thoughts and feelings. Either way, we love it cause it's from Adam's very own hand. I could never do this. The only thing is that Adam wants to paint the same thing over and over and over again. Maybe he's trying to tell us something? Big Brother calls his painting,"Chaos." He really likes it. Adam has found a new love in painting and I am thrilled! If my Mom could see this she would be crying, surprised and then she would cry some more. I am so proud of him and most of all we are all happy that HE loves what he's doing. God forbid anyone touch his artwork until he's completely finished! K.C. got into one of Adam's paintings and Adam screamed and cried for nearly 2 hours. I did tell K.C. very sternly not to touch Adam's artwork. We got K.C. his own set over the weekend so that he'd hopefully stay away from Adam's. Adam let's Big Brother into his room when he's doing artwork but nobody else! I asked Big Brother why Adam only lets him into his room and he says, "because you make him nervous and he's afraid K.C. will touch his paints, I just sit and read while he paints or turn his t.v. on." Makes sense to me now that I think about it. Let me know what you guys think of Ad Man's painting and I will read them to him. I always read to him and I know he LOVES it. If he knows what others think of his paintings (don't worry, it's o.k. cause it's finished) I know he'll be encouraged.

I took the boys to Peter Piper Pizza yesterday. It started out as a good time and really it was a good time all the way through until it happened. I had been thinking about this happening over the years and thought that I would be ahead of the game and maybe it would happen but it did. Adam was sitting with me in the booth eating bread stick. K.C. was too and Big Brother as well. Adam stayed with me the whole time. I started to chat with a really nice old lady who was there with her great grandchildren. This lady was still driving! Anyhow, Big Brother says, "can K.C. and I go climb the pay structure?" I thought to myself, "should I let him go?" Then thought, "dam nit, he can play too, everyone Else's kids are playing and so is he!" So off they went. I watched K.C. climb up high with his soda in his hand. An employee saw K.C. with his soda and kept saying, "hey little boy, you can't have that up there, you'll spill it." Anyhow, K.C. ignored him and the worked walked off shaking his head. I then see Big Brother waving and waved back and pointed for him to follow K.C. He knows he has to stick with him always. Just for a few seconds K.C. was out of sight. O.K., maybe a few minutes. When he did appear again, he was naked. He was naked climbing down from way up high. Oh God, as I type this I get that horrible feeling again. My heart sank and Big Brother was screaming at K.C. The old lady I was sitting near looked horrified and I asked her to please sit with Adam til I get K.C. taken care of. She motioned for me to hurry and I ran over to K.C. and tried to hide him in a tunnel til Big Brother could retrieve his pants. I dressed him super quickly and as we came out people were pointing, laughing and Big Brother was pissed. A little girl about 11 years old kept pointing at us as we took our seats next to Adam. I expected her Mama to tell her to mind her business and stop pointing but SHE DIDN'T! Big Brother by this time was crying and pissed beyond all belief. He said, "can I go to the bathroom?" I believed him and scooted out to let him through. He grabbed his soda and he went and I noticed he wasn't heading to the bathroom but straight over to that pointing little girl. He walked straight up to her took the lid off his soda and threw it in her face. Then he started to point and laugh at her (called her "ugly"). The Mom came over to us and screamed at me. Adam was getting very agitated and then a worker came and asked US to leave. I said, "what the hell for?" He said, "because customers are afraid for their children and your son won't keep his clothes on, it's a health risk." So I told him off and let him know the only risk will be when my lawyer contacts them for discrimination. He said nothing. We left with the boys. K.C. was still smiling, Adam looked agitated, Big Brother looking very satisfied with his soda throwing episode. In the car Adam sat with Big Brother, I heard him whispering to Adam, "we showed them, how does she like it, then he says, give me five Adam!" That didn't go well with me. When we have a bad incident in a supermarket or wherever, Big Brother knows we get into the van and no words are allowed til we get home. No words at all. It helps a great deal and it calms everyone down faster. We talk about it later. Big Brother has extra chores to do this week because of his soda throwing and I had a long talk about what would have been a better choice in the situation. He named a few better choices, he clearly understands. He's 8 years old, he's going to encounter alot of people like that as the boys grow up and he's with them. We have to handle it as best we can. We can't help that people are ignorant. I am so thankful for people in the Autism community, you guys are people who live our lives everyday, you understand. Very thankful.
More news... we are going to (hopefully) sell this house and move to a single story home with 5 bedrooms. It will be less crowded and the boys will feel better. The xtra bedroom we want to turn into the boys ABA room. Both boys have their ABA instructors come in the evening and it would be really nice to have one big therapy room. It will be a big step but we are ready for it!

P.S. that is our doggy in one of the photos, I couldnt get her to turn around.

Updates (UP!) Bragging..

Hello Friends,

It's been awhile since I last wrote and finally have time to sit down and write a little bit about the boys. K.C., my youngest little boy who has Autism (for any new readers who may not know) is doing very well. He is in a very good program at school and comes home happy almost everyday. He had been sick with Asthma and the school nurse called saying she needed his tubing so she could give him a treatment. I left his tubes at school and kept some at home. He's doing much better now. Sometimes the air quality is just so icky out there.

His teacher says he's doing quite well at school and he is going to be working on tracing horizontal and vertical lines in hopes that he will soon be tracing his own name soon. At K.C.'s school during lunch time, 6 students, this includes K.C. sit down and eat together. We have been working very hard on daily living skills and it is so paying off. He now sits at the table WITH people and eats! Can you believe it? Not too many months ago this little boy couldn't even sit at the table with his Big Brother. He would grab at Big Brothers plate and throw it, scream and was just not a happy little boy. He also will take his plate or bowl to the SINK and put it in when he's finished without being asked too. This didn't happen overnight though, I really believe that the school he is now is a major factor. He's learning when he's happy.

His teacher reported that K.C.'s class has been going to music class with the
regular ed students! Each child has an aide with him the whole time, always within reach. So far K.C. is doing great! My little boy is participating with a regular class! On the way back from music class his teacher says K.C. wants to touch each classroom door or open it, the classes have students in them and his teacher has to tell him, "no." He gets angry so his teacher called me yesterday and said that from now on when K.C. walks back from music class she will give him something to carry that requires both hands so he can't touch or open doors. I thought it was a very good idea. Knowing K.C, he won't put whatever it is that he is holding down and he might keep walking. Headbanging has been rare (I hope I didn't jinx myself) and I pray that they stop altogether but realize that they also might not stop and appreciate the good times even more. His Adaptive P.E. coach said she has been working with K.C. on the word, "freeze!" If K.C. can learn this word each time someone places their hands on his shoulders when he hears the word "freeze" it would be so helpful to me! I can think of alot of situations that word would come in handy! She also is working on running with K.C. K.C. doesn't run and I am not sure he even knows how too but we are working on it. Eating has been an issue. He eats alot of the same food and I mean alot. I am going to try to cut back on how much he is eating because it's all carbs and it's like a food addiction to him. He is now 92 pounds at 7 years old. I have to do something about it now or he'll just continue to gain. If anyone has any ideas on how to get K.C. away from carbs that he is so addicted too please pass on the info. Seriously he is addicted to carbs and eats so much that he throws up. I try to stop him from eating so often and boy does he get mad. I usually give in to him because I don't want to see him head bang and hurt himself. The teacher says he still eats mostly with his hands and uses a spoon or fork only sometimes. He can use a spoon and a fork but he's not very good at it and prefers to use his hands. He's trying very hard and I am so proud of him.

I have some very exciting news. Last night Big Brother and I was going through some videos of the kids playing at the park. I noticed that in one video as K.C. was climbing to go up to go down a slide I swear I heard him say, "up!" Now I have proof cause I caught it on tape. I keep asking myself, did her really say, "up?" I'd like to know what you all think, please listen to the video as he goes up the slide and see if you can tell if he is saying a word or just babbling. K.C. has said "Mama" one time in the past and that was the only time I ever heard him speak. He hasn't spoke since. I used to question myself if I really did hear him say "Mama" or not and know in my heart that he did.

Big Brother has been into football so much this month, he's really interested! I was very surprised because he has almost always disliked sports and would rather do "a science experiment." He changing big time. In the afternoons and on weekends I take Big Brother to practice with a group of children who is his age and about the same size. His coach has been great. He's patient, encouraging and "awesome" as Big Brother says. This pop warner group is a group of boys from our neighborhood. It's a rough sport and Big Brother loves it! I really believe he releases alot of his frustrations through football. All the children wear protective gear always. Big Brothers coach says that football is safer than soccer, I was so surprised. Big Brother is loving football and is doing well in school.

"Ad-Man" Adam is also doing well. He has really taken an interest in painting with a paint brush. He gets totally lost in painting and is mesmerized by the colors. He mostly paints lines and swirls and they are beautiful in my book. We have been rewarding Adam with "paint time" when he is being such a good guy. He flaps and squeals when he knows its "paint time." He has been getting along with the boys very well. Big Brother and Adam barely notice each other and keep their distances. Big Brother loves being with Adam cause he's older but I kinda think Big Brother likes the idea of being able to help Adam. This morning as we were heading out the door Big Brother stopped and tied Adam's shoes for him. I really touched my heart because Big Brother did it without being asked too. Those are the best moments. I know some folks may feel that when their child has a disability it makes it miserable for the children who are Neurotypical. In our case, in our family I have seen Big Brother grow into a caring, loving and compassionate young man. He has learned so much from having two disabled brothers. (Adam is just like a brother to the boys even though he's actually my little brother.) I love how all the boys are learning so much from each other and I wouldn't want it any other way. How could I?

We hope all of you and your beautiful kiddos are well. We will be stopping by and catching up soon!

L'shanah Tovah

Family and Friends,

We wish you all a wonderful, happy, healthy and peaceful year. This has been our 'year of learning', also momentous, in that we celebrated so many things: Birthdays, having Adam in our lives, my boys and all of the wonderful people who help us with the boys. This has been a year of learning for us.

May you all see such happiness,
Tina, Adam, Jayce and Chance

The attached video is of K.C.(Chance) at the park doing what he now loves to do best at the park. He loves laying in the sand. He looks very peaceful and his body looks so relaxed when he's in the "icky sand" as I say to him. It was straight to the bathtub for him when he got home :)

Leo (Language and ECU in one)

Hello Everyone,

How is everyone? We hope that you and your families are doing well. We are doing great these days. We have our tough days but mostly we have been having good days.
K.C. Is doing so well in his new program at school. Each morning he looks forward to going to school. He even smiles while I help him get dressed. He has a "job" at school. He helps cleaning up the classroom by putting things in their proper place. He understands this well, he loves for things to be the same so putting things away as they were before is something he loves to do. His teacher has been great. She stays in contact with me each day either by phone calls or in his communication notebook. About 2 weeks ago I asked the teacher if we could work on potty training K.C. because I believe he is ready. I told her I would still send his pull ups and that I would also be sending kids boxer shorts. The staff at his school have been taking him to the bathroom several times a day and waits in the bathroom with him until he goes. Sometimes he does go and sometimes he doesn't. We have been working on it very hard and I can now officially say that he is nearly day time potty trained. We only put a pull up on him when he rides home on the bus and in the morning on the ride to school. At home he is also doing great potty training. When he gets antsy and walks around looking panicky we hurry him to the bathroom. Yesterday Big Brother was in the bathroom ad K.C. had to go, I hurried Big Brother out just before he almost had an accident. He can't hold it for long so at school and at home we hurry him to the bathroom. He had at least 4 successes a day at the toilet! I am so proud of him, he is such a trooper.

K.C. has been using an augmentative communication device called "LEO." His teacher thinks this device will be best for K.C. so we are having a guy come in with alot of different devices to see which one would work best for K.C. He is using LEO in the classroom but just to be sure before we get one, to let K.C. try different ones. I too think LEO is best for him. This is what LEO is, http://www.assistivetech.com/p-leo.htm

We have been going on early evening walks with the boys. We have to walk in the evening because during the day, it is still around 104 degrees! Our buddy helper walks with Adam and I pull K.C. along in his yellow wagon. He loves this wagon so much in fact, when the sun starts to go down in the evening he pulls the wagon into the kitchen or wherever I am and just stands there! That my friends is communication! I always finish up whatever I am doing and we head out the door! He loves the wagon so much in fact, the above picture is of K.C. and Jayce, K.C. is actually sleeping in this wagon and Big Brother has fell asleep on the couch while watching SpiderMan part 1. K.C. kept trying to pull his wagon through the couch so I moved the couch and pulled the wagon near Big Brother and he fell asleep fast. K.C. never plays with Big Brother or Adam, BUT if they are sleeping he will hang around. He knows! We haven't had the wagon for very long, we ordered it from Lakeshore and it can hold four small kids or one big boy K.C.! We got it here, I also found alot of interesting things here teaching.
http://www.lakeshorelearning.com/seo/ca%7CsearchResults~~p%7CLA979~~.jsp

Big Brother is doing great. We have installed a Tetherball and Tetherball Pole in the backyard. Adam doesn't understand the game but he loves hitting the ball. Big Brother loves having Adam in the backyard because he has no one to play with. He told me yesterday that even though Adam and K.C. can not speak having someone there just to watch is good enough for him! I do watch Big Brother play and play with him sometimes too. He loves having kids to play with and I love seeing him smile.

Adam (we have been calling him "Add Man" these days and sometimes I think I see him grinning when I say it.) He too is doing well in school and his ABA program at home. K.C. Adam and K.C. both have ABA instructors come to our house in the early evening to work with them separately. It's never too late for ABA, Adam is a teenager and has really just began his ABA program since living with us. Before ABA he could not dress himself properly, he now dresses himself. He is still working on brushing his hair, teeth etc but one step at a time. He is getting there and I am very proud of him and I believe he is happy that he has learned so much and can do it all by himself.

I have been having some lower back problems but have an appointment to see a doctor soon. During the day I have time to myself and some days I am so tired that I set the alarm clock for 2:00 p.m. and after the boys leave I had for the bed! One day last week I slept from about 8 til 2 p.m.! Having three boys is a very tiring job and it catches up to you and when it does you have to sleep to keep from getting worn out.

Thank you all for checking in on us, we love having visitors to the blog.

I have added a very important link to my blog. It is at the top right hand corner of my blog. It says, "Please show your support to Lora and Griffin, to learn more please visit, (there is a clickable link on my page.) Please visit her and her Autistic son Griffin, she has something very important to say and I believe we all can learn something from her experience.

The Butcher

I have learned/figured out something about K.C. today that I couldn't figure out before. K.C. has been going to the supermarket with me more and more these days. He does a great job of waiting and seems at ease when we are in the front of the store. When we head toward the back of the store he always, ALWAYS gets anxious and walks with his fingers stuck in his ears. I could never figure it out before, I thought that maybe he was tired of shopping and wanted to go home. Today I am so happy to say that the butcher and I have solved why K.C. gets so uncomfortable at the back of the store.

As we were approaching the whole frozen chickens it started. As we walked closer to the meat he cried, covered his ears and tried to walk the other way. The butcher who was putting meat out watched K.C. as I tried to get him to stay with me as I looked at the chicken/meat. The butcher walked over to us and said, "hi mam, hi young man, are your ears hurting today?"

It hit me like a bolt of lightening, something in the meat/chicken section was killing his ears even standing 10 feet from the meat section. I walked K.C. away from the meat section and slowly his hands came off his ears. I listened as we got closer. I heard nothing but K.C. heard something. The butcher was watching us out of the corner of his eye. I walked over to the butcher and said, "yep, you are right, his ears hurt today especially when we walk toward this section. The butcher then said, "it buzzes." I said nothing because I didn't know what the heck he was talking about and he said, "the freezers make a very low buzzing." That was it. I looked down at K.C. and said, "that noise coming from the meat freezer is hurting your ears, I understand now, lets get away from the noise."

He was fine, he listened to me talk and I could see his eyes darting around so I know he was listening.

To all the Mom's and Dad's out there who have Autistic children. Sometimes what seems to be the smallest noise to us is the biggest explosion to an Autistic child's ears. I have learned that I need to be constantly alert to my environment so that I can pinpoint what is causing K.C.'s ears to hurt. It's sometimes tough to figure out but we try and do the best we can so that our children aren't hurting.

Under Control, Somewhat.

July and August have been the toughest months by far. K.C. has had so many self injurious behaviors we are just now getting them under control. This little boy has made a dramatic change in two months time. "Can his Autism become worse I asked his Doctor?" The Doctor said that sometimes when children with Autism reach third grade or when they are about to become teenagers there is a huge hormonal change and he believes this is why K.C. has changed so much. Interesting. I don't know if that is what is really happening with K.C. but we have done things like increasing his Occupational Therapy and doing lots of sensory projects at home. K.C. really loves shaving cream and could play in it for the longest time. When his Big Brother tries to join him he leaves pretty quick. Big Brother has gotten so used to his brother up and leaving him he doesn't say a word about it anymore. I have been taking Big Brother to my sisters house on the weekends to swim with his little cousin Lynn Lynn. Adam and K.C. stay with me and we have even made a few trips inside McDonald's to eat lunch. We usually sit as far away from people as we can. I want to take the boys out and enjoy life without being stared at so we sit away from folks. I have no doubt that Adam and K.C. understand what is going on and know when people stare/talk about them. I used to not be sure of how much K.C. could understand but watching Adam and talking with my Dad he promises me that K.C. knows even though it appears he is not listening. When Adam came to stay with us after my Mom passed away he couldn't even put his own shoes on his feet. He put his pants on backwards. Adam has been doing sessions of ABA and guess what? This teenager is putting his own shoes on and almost, almost his own clothes. The thing is he can put them on but sometimes they are backwards or inside out. Going into ABA the first time with a teenager I was skeptical. I knew that ABA worked for young children but teenagers? It does work! Last night we made a trip to McDonald's and as I was putting K.C.'s shoes on, I asked Adam to, "put shoes on feet." I asked him to do it once and he hesitated but I was persistent and he did it! I think he was proud of himself because he was so calm in McDonald's. Being calm but persistent in what I ask of the boys is really working wonders. Sometimes you just have to let them do it themselves even if the task seems to big and watching them struggle to do something hurts. After all we are Mom's and we want to do anything we can to help our kids. Adam's ABA teacher said that I am helping by not helping. He was right.

The boys are in school finally! It seemed like the longest Summer but to be honest I sure do miss all three during the day. I feel lost without them and sometimes I wander this house picking up a favorite toy of theirs and just thinking and hoping they are all o.k. at school. So far the boys are adjusting well to school. Big Brother goes to private school and Adam and K.C. go to a private Autism school. We have gotten a routine down and the boys know what to expect each morning. During the morning time our helper Tacey makes breakfast for all three and packs their lunches. I help them get prepared for school. Adam is still eating Eggo Waffles and is as thin as a rail. He likes them toasted extra crunchy and will drink a tall glass of orange juice. K.C. has been eating Life cereal, just plain life cereal minus the milk (he's allergic). He'll drink Apple Juice. Big Brother will eat just about anything you place in front of him. Packing two Autistic kids lunches has to be the hardest part. Their teachers have refrigerators in the classroom thankfully and a microwave. I literally have to think and think of what the heck to have Tacey pack for them. K.C. eats a whole lot but it has to be the same things everyday. Adam eats very little.
I did manage to do something for myself! I went to the mall and ate by myself and then I walked through the mall to Sears and bought a new bra and socks. I am going to buy some new clothes soon because I have been losing alot of weight the past three months. I haven't been dieting but I have been busy and stressed at times so maybe that did it. I can now fit into a size 10 sometimes and a 12. While I was at them mall I walked past a store called, "Hot Topic." It's a store that is definitely for teenagers. I started thinking about Adam, he's a teenager, why can't he wear these clothes? He may be Autistic but that is no reason he can't look "cool" as Big Brother would say. I bought him three pairs of pants, two pairs of shorts and the "coolest" shoes. He got alot of nice comments in his notebook from school. He looks like a totally different kiddo. He's such a handsome young fella. I know my Mom wouldn't agree with what Adam is wearing but she was a bit old fashioned, I am not saying that is a bad thing but thinking of Adam and how he is a teen I thought he would feel more comfortable wearing a pair of Vans and dressing different. One thing for sure. Both K.C. and Adam like the same kind of socks. Both boys want to wear the "no show socks." Maybe they cannot tolerate the regular socks on their legs? When I came home from the mall and Big Brother had seen what I had bought for Adam he immediately said, "Mom why can't K.C. and I have those clothes too, pleaseeee!" So the next day I made another trip to the mall and got two more pairs of Vans, four pairs of shorts, socks and four shirts. The grand total of this shopping trip was $532.00 and I can tell you I will not be buying anymore clothes for a long time.

Hope you all are well and thank you to everyone who stops by to visit "The Boys."

Thank you to Sir Nik's Mommy at, http://maternal-instincts.blogspot.com. I received the sign language videos and the boys love them. Thank you so much, you are sweethearts.

S.i.b.s.

K.C. has been having awful self injurious behaviors. I am really trying to understand what is setting him off. He can't stand to hear the water running or much of any noise lately. He doesn't want to take a bath because of the running water, he cries, hits himself and has yanked alot of his hair out down to the scalp. I am totally heartbroken. I can't sleep because I am worried, I just sit and watch him sleep, thinking about him, how can I help him? Will he always hurt himself? I wonder if he's very sad? There are so many thoughts going through my head.
I have been telling myself that not all days are going to be good. Some days will be tough, but most days are good.

I did take K.C. to the doctor today, his ears are fine, I thought it may have been his ears but the doctor said his ears looked good. The doctor really didn't offer any suggestions, as a matter of fact she just listened and stared at K.C which made him very antsy. She increased his Risperdal to 3 mg. I want K.C. to feel better but I am worried that the Risperdal will make him eat even more. He has gained alot of weight on the Risperdal. I am just praying that he feels better and I figure out what is going on with K.C. It must be so frustrating for him, he can't communicate to me how he feels, it has to be very frustrating.

When K.C.'s s.i.b.s. are happening more, Big Brother gets very worried and he is always on edge. He feels it is his place to watch over K.C. and stop him from hitting himself. I explained to him that it was Mommy's place to help K.C. through his s.i.b.s. and told him I loved him and thanked him for helping but told him, "I can always help K.C." Big Brother isn't very happy these days and has spent alot of time putting puzzles together with Adam or watching Disney videos.

Tomorrow I am going to have to cut K.C.'s hair very short so that he can't grab it anymore. His lip is busted from head banging, tomorrow I am just going to let him have a day without therapies, a K.C. day to do some of the things K.C. wants to do.

Big Brother and Adam are well. Today they watched Edward Scissor hands and then they watched Jumanji. They watched it upstairs away from K.C. because K.C. screams his head off if someone suddenly pops in a video. He runs around the house in a complete panic crying and covering his ears. I put a television in the kitchen and Big Brother has been using headphones to listen to whatever he tries to watch, if K.C. doesn't scream.

I just want all the boys to be happy. Please say a little prayer for K.C. to feel better, I am worried so much about him.

K.C. is uneasy. Adam starts ABA. Big Brother is at Summer Kamp.

Hello Everybody, I thought I would post an update on the boys.

Big Brother has been at Summer Kamp. Yesterday the camp had a family night so we went to watch him and his fellow campers sing and dance. Afterwards I watched him play games, say goodbye to the camper teachers and he ate candy, lots of candy. I found a new snack while I was there. They are called Flamin Hot Cheetos with lime. I normally don't eat much junk food but these were actually good. Big Brother had a great time at camp and was eager to get home. When we got home he was so happy to see K.C. and Adam. He kept saying, "I missed you guys!" He hugged K.C. quickly cause that is about all K.C. can tolerate when it comes to hugs and gave Adam a great big hug. Adam can tolerate hugs a little bit better than K.C. He had a really great time at camp.

Adam has started ABA in full swing. When my mother was alive she wasn't a big fan of ABA at all, he went to therapies and did try ABA for awhile but for some reason my mother never liked Adam in ABA. I have started an ABA program for Adam and he's doing well. When Adam first started in reminded me so much of K.C.'s first ABA sessions. Lots of screaming, getting up and stimming. We are working on sitting during a sessions with Adam. Before ABA he wouldn't sit with a stranger (his new ABA teacher) for more than a minute. We are slowly working on it and his adjusting very nicely. Even though Adam is a teenager I feel that ABA will help him so much. It's never too late for ABA. I have some guilt about starting the ABA program with Adam but I want what's best for Adam and I believe this is it. I talked to my Dad about ABA and he agreed. He told me to do what I thought was best for Adam. My Dad is not the same person, he is so depressed and has lost weight. The boys and I visit him on a regular basis. I am trying so hard to move forward with the boys, when I see my Dad so sad I feel like I have taken two steps back. I hate that I feel like that. I feel like I am being so selfish. I miss my Mother so much, it hurts badly. I get a rush of sadness in the pit on my stomach when I think of her. I just really want the boys to be the best they can be. I want them to keep moving forward always. We will look back on special days, but for now these boys are my top priorities.

K.C. is not doing so well. His little face says it all. He looks so uptight and distant these days, I just don't know what is wrong with him. His crying and screaming has been happening everyday, when I try to calm him his s.i.b.s. are awful. He seems so uneasy and has been getting into alot of things he never did before. I don't know if it's a sensory issue or not but he has been dumping shampoo or any liquid he can find on the floor and rub his hands in it. He screams his head off when I stop him from doing it. He has been covering his ears as well. He has always covered his ears but now it's happening more. I really have to figure out what is wrong with my boy. We have a doctors appointment next week. I just have to get through to next week and try my best to stay calm, talk calm and not let on that I am upset or he'll become more upset. I sent our helper out to (Miss Tacey) Target to buy 4 cans of shaving cream and more shampoo and bubble bath. I can't help but think this is sensory issue. Poor little kiddo, I hope that this passes soon and he's back to himself. Our schedules haven't changed and we have really done a great job of sticking to our schedules, getting to therapies and being on time.

We hope all of you and your kiddos are doing well, it has been a very hot Summer here in AZ. today we are in 111 degree temp. We Will go for our swim this evening and then stop off at McDonald's for one plain hamburger, a large Diet Dr.Pepper, a Large French Fry, one grilled snack wrap with ranch for Big Brother, one Arctic orange shake for Big Brother and two blue powerades for Adam and K.C.

Very Scary

We have been swimming alot these days. It's just about the only fun thing to do in Arizona because of the extreme heat. It has been 113 and 111 and tomorrow 110. Too hot for us! We never get used to it even after living here for years.

I have been taking the boys swimming after 8:30 p.m. because we want to avoid questions and stares. I have gotten so many, "what's wrong with your" and "Why isn't he saying anything?" I am tired of explaining and hearing kids laugh at K.C. and Adam when they are excited and flapping or humming. It hurts to hear someone laughing at them and Big Brother feels awfully sad when people do that too. What surprises me the most is that the kids parents just sit there reading a book or talking on their cell phones.

We live on Private Property and it's always been safe for years until last night. The pool is a 7 minute walk for us but having so many pool toys and three boys to keep up with (If Adam runs I know I won't catch him) we always drive the van. We left at about 8:40 p/m/ thinking no one would be at the pool. We were right, some folks were just leaving as we unlocked the pool gate. The boys have alot of fun splashing around freely without any worries. After about 30 minutes I noticed a car pull next to my van. Big Brother watched intently hoping it "wasn't people coming to swim." No body ever came to the pool but I could hear them talking. I walked over to the pool gate quietly to see who it was because I had a nervous gut feeling. I saw four black guys, one guy was leaning against my van and the other guy was staring into my van. I didn't recognize these people and knew they didn't live here because I have been here for years and would have seen them at some point. I knew they were going to steal the van. I was so scared, so very scared. I didn't know if I should just pack up with the boys and walk out the gate. I was scared to do that because if they were trying to steal the van and knew they were caught doing it they might hurt us. So I called 911 and told the operator. I can't even begin to tell you how scared I was having the boys with me. The only thing the reassured me was that we had a key to the pool and they didn't. The operator stayed on the phone with me the whole time, I told her I was scared, I had three boys with me and two were Autistic. She said the officer was only two minutes away. It seemed like forever. I let the boys play but Big Brother was scared because he kept saying, "we won't have a way to go anywhere what are we going to do!!" While I was on the phone with the operator I heard a glass break. I told the operator and she said the officer was coming down the street and I could see his headlights and lights flashing, he caught them before they took the van!! Thank God!! Big Brother ran over to the gate and watched, I called him back over to us and got the boys out of the pool and let another officer in to talk to him. He said the window was broken but that they were caught! I am so grateful that they caught these guys. Can you imagine being without a car/van and having three boys? We are in the van more than home it feels like on therapy days. I got the window to the van fixed today. I still can't believe it. Why do people have to be like that? I just don't get it. The guys who were trying to steal the van looked to be about 20 years old. I told the officer I wanted to leave to get the boys home, they were getting antsy and as we headed out of the gate I heard an officer say, "your name is Levi?" He was talking to the guy who tried to take the van. The guy looked at us as we walked out. I had to say something. I did say something. I said, "thanks alot for breaking our window and trying to steal our van, did you know this van is used to take my Autistic kids to therapies?" He said nothing. I am praying that he thinks about it and changes.

We are all safe and when we got home Big Brother was visibly upset. He gets so hurt when he knows someone "is real bad" or "makes fun of his brother or Adam." I worry about Big Brother alot because he takes things very hard and dwells on them. We will keep talking everyday and I'll give him lots of hugs, he'll start to feel better :) What a world.

Happy Birthday To K.C.

Happy Birthday to you little buddy! K.C., Adam and Big Brother celebrated today with cake, (just wanted it to be the four of us) special ice cream K.C. could eat if he tried and 2 Amy's frozen pizzas that Big Brother and I put into the oven. Even though K.C. won't touch cake or ice cream (he screams bloody murder) he likes to see the candles flickering. I have learned something or should say I have figured out something that K.C. had been trying to tell me. He covers his ears quite a bit, I used to think it was noise or something I couldn't hear that bothered him. Today as I brought the cake to the table he covered his ears alot. I have figured out that it means, "no cake." Or it just means he doesn't like something.

I bought him three new outfits to wear from Target. As Big Brother "helped" blow out K.C.'s candles we handed him his gifts. His Daddy couldn't be here this birthday :( K.C.'s daddy got him savings bonds and a magna doodle. Big Brother handed him the outfits I had bought him and he opened them very slowly then tried to up and leave but I was able to get him back to the table without him getting too angry. When he touched the clothes he IMMEDIATELY began looking for any tags on the shirts. There were tags of course and he totally lost it when he seen the tags. I hurried upstairs to get the scissors (I keep them hidden just in case) and came back down and cut the tags out of the clothes. He was just too angry and it was the kind of angry that I call, "too late he's not going to come back from this one" kind of a anger or frustration. I brought him into the living room away from Adam and Big Brother. Big Brother kept calling, "Mom I am going to cut the cake for us." I let him cut the cake but told him not to annihilate the cake and to use a butter knife. He cut a piece for Adam but he didn't touch it. Adam is pretty much skin and bones:( He just wants waffles all the time. K.C. was still angry but he was crying now and not screaming, a good sign.

I did manage to leave him in the living room and put waffles into the toaster for Adam. When K.C. is in the no turning back mood I don't leave him alone because he will beat himself in the head or hit his head on the floor. It never came to that today and he did pull himself together. I was so proud of Adam because he STAYED at the table with Big Brother the whole time (even through K.C.'s screaming)! Big Hugs for Adam and K.C. :) Even though it may have seemed kind of disaster it really wasn't. Both boys did a wonderful job of keeping it together and I am still so surprised at Adam as I sit here. He surprises me alot. I have found that K.C. and Adam are helping each other in many ways but don't realize it. Like the way K.C. is helping himself more, like the way Adam stayed at the table while I stayed with K.C. Somehow I really feel they totally relate to when they see each other having a very hard time. For them to see that there are other kids that are experiencing the same sort of things that they experience themselves really helps if that makes any sense.

K.C. did sit back down at the table to eat pizza and drink a mango fruit drink. Big Brother and I kept quiet for awhile because we know that when K.C. is pulling it together any words during the pulling it together period will set him off. We talked after about 10 minutes quietly.

I thought to myself I wonder if I should have just put the candles in the pizza? Now I have all this cake left over. I will have to take it to my sister and give some to Linh Linh. I would have invited Linh to K.C.'s party but she has always been a little afraid of K.C. I asked her about him and she said she was scared of him.
It was a good day all in all. I can see changes in the boys and it's real positive :)

Tomorrow is Saturday and I will be going to pick my Dad up and take him to synagogue. Miss Tacey will stay with the boys for a couple hours. My little reporter (Big Brother) is always watching to be sure nobody is mean to Adam or K.C.

It has been triple digits here so most of the time we try to stay out of the hot sun.
It will not cool off here until December :(

Getting Away...

Twice a year my little brother Adam would go to Carlsbad CA. with my Mom and Dad to visit the ocean. My Parents have had a timeshare there for a few years. My brother has always loved walking on the beach and my Mom would look forward to the 6 hour drive to Carlsbad and mostly the gorgeous weather.

My Father as I mentioned before is living in assisted living. He reminded us that it "was our turn" for the timeshare. It was very hard to think of getting away without my Mom with us. My Dad didn't want to go but really wanted us to go because Adam loves the beach so much. I thought about it. Thought alot about it and decided to go. Maybe this is just what the boys need, to get away from everything and clear their minds.

So it would be me, Adam, K.C., Big Brother, College Boy and our helper, Miss Tacey. We planned to stay for 4 days so I had alot of packing to do for the boys. We have worked out a pretty good system of doing things since Miss Tacey has moved in to help us. She has been wonderful. She knows so much about Autism and I can truly see that she cares about the boys in her eyes. "My little reporter" has only said positive things about her and my gut feeling is good. Miss Tacey helps with K.C. and Big Brother. I am always with Adam because I don't want anyone getting pinched or scratched no matter how much experience he or she has with Autism. I love Adam dearly and understand why he pinches. He has been doing wonderfully and hasn't been pinching very much these days. K.C. has really made some huge changes since Adam has joined the family. Having a teen with Autism is tough but having a teen without Autism is tough too. K.C. seems to have more confidence and has learned to do more for himself. I have seen K.C. watching Adam out of the corners of his eyes and I really believe that he loves Adam.

It took 6 1/2 hours to get to Carlsbad and the boys Daddy met up with us there. Daddy has been staying mostly in San Francisco because of his job. We all met up and began unpacking our stuff into the room. K.C. did have a big smile on his face when he saw his Daddy waiting for us, Big Brother was thrilled so much because I kept it secret from him. He had no idea that his Daddy would be meeting us there so he was a happy kiddo! Adam looked anxious when he saw the boys Daddy. I guess that next time I really need to show him a photo of the boys Daddy so that he knows what to expect when we arrive. I just thought it would be a nice surprise for Big Brother and K.C.
We all planned to eat at an outdoors Mexican restaurant. We really wanted to be outdoors because of the boys, "just in case." The weather was so nice so sitting outside was a real treat. When we left home it was 113 degrees, 6 hours later it was only 72 degrees when we got to Cali. K.C. ate flour tortillas with nothing on them, just heated and crispy. Big Brother ate Carne Asada and Adam ate a cheese crisp (made very crispy for Adam and only cheese) K.C. eyeballed Adam's cheese crisp and snatched at it twice. K.C. can't have real cheese because of allergies. The boys did a super duper job eating and were such young gentlemen. We only got a few stares because of the noises that Adam and K.C. make. The two of them together generate alot of hums and screeches, "my little orchestra."

When we were all finished eating we walked to the beach. The ocean was just so awesome and immediately I could see how at peace Adam was with the water. He watched the water roll in and out and was mesmerized by it just as K.C. was. Big Brother ran all around the beach collecting shells and anything unusual looking. He did find a really beautiful shell his daddy put a small hole in and made a necklace out of it for him.

It was a really nice trip and I only wish we lived near the ocean for the boys sake. It was wonderful seeing all the boys love the ocean equally and they all were doing pretty much the same things and loving every minute of it.

We got up early everyday around 7 a.m. and walked down to the beach to watch the surfers surf. It was quite foggy on the beach in the mornings.
I feel I have really connected with Adam. I am understanding him more and more each and everyday and couldn't imagine him living anywhere else ever. I can get some smiles out of him and it's such a great feeling.

I just want all the boys to be happy.

Every day I think of my Mother, I miss her so much. I see Adam's eyes and think of my Mom. It's hard being without my Mother, I still keep thinking, "oh I can't wait to tell Mom about...." then I realise that I can't.

Each day is hard but at the same time it's getting a tiny bit easier with each day that goes by. It's hard to explain.

My Mom had always asked that I never put any photos of Adam up on the Internet. She didn't like me putting photos up of Big Brother or K.C. for that matter. She was always very nervous about having any photos of the kids on the Internet so I will always remember how she felt and will never post photos of Adam.

Things are always very busy here, I am just so grateful that I have found such nice people to help with the boys. I am so grateful that College Boy helps us so much.
Monday K.C.'s support coordinator is coming for his ISP visit. There will be some big changes coming up in August in regards to his school and therapies.

In July K.C. and Adam both will be participating in a study of Fluoxetine (Prozac). It is suppose to help with repetitive behaviors. There will be nine visits and it is about 14 weeks long. They will have to get an EKG and blood work done. I am hoping it helps the boys.

Some photos from the trip and a video of K.C.

I have help

Hi Everyone,

It's been awhile since I last blogged, I hope everyone is doing well and want to say sorry for not stopping by lately.

Life has been so busy here. Having 3 boys keeps you on your toes, things are settling down a bit and we have finally fallen into a good routine for therapies and school.

This Sunday we went to visit my father. He has decided to move into an assisted living community so that he can have help but still have his freedom.

I worried the night before how Adam was going to react to seeing our Dad in a new place. I worried that K.C. was going to see Adam upset and cry. I did everything I possibly could the week before to prepare both boys for the trip to see Dad/Grandpa.

I went to Wide World of Maps and got the photos of my Dad laminated since Adam will eat/chew on a regular photo if it's not laminated. He also has chewed a fairly big hole in the seat of the van. I am taking him to the doctor Thursday to discuss his eating problems. He is so skinny, I can't really get him to eat much, only Eggo Waffles. Morning, Noon and Night, Eggo Waffles. It's tough to get him to try something new as well. The problem is he'll eat things that are NOT food easily but won't eat real food for me.

Our trip went well. Big Brother held K.C.'s hand and I stayed within arms reach of Adam. He's fast, faster than I am, K.C. I can catch but Adam is like greased lightening. When we walked into Dad's new home Adam pinched me. I knew he was nervous being in a new place. I was even nervous myself, biting my nails, Adam pinches instead of biting his nails. Everyone does something when they are nervous. K.C. made a beeline for the DVD player my father has. My Dad smiled for the first time in a long time. He went to Adam and gave him a big hug, I watched Adam, he did everything he could not to make any eye contact with my father. He is this way with everyone. K.C. has poor eye contact but Adam has virtually no eye contact. I do catch him peering out of the corners of his eyes alot and I'll say, "is that a smile I see, did I see those eyes?" Sometimes I will see a grin from him and I know he is happy when I say that because he sticks around. Even though K.C. and Adam are both non verbal, their body language and actions say almost as much a words could. I love the boys dearly and feel so lucky to have them. Each day I pray I am making a difference in their lives. Sitting with the boys and doing an activity with them or reading with them makes me very happy. Some days are very tough days, then there are the good days. We have more good days that tough ones.

Taking Adam to places that my Mom used to take him to is tough. It's tough because nearly every time I take him I always hear how much they miss my Mom and I know Adam hears it. I miss her terribly but I don't think it's good to bring it up every time. He hears and has feelings, I asked his therapists not to mention my Mom's name so much in front of Adam before a therapy session begins. I just want him to be able to get the most out of each session without any sad thoughts.

K.C. has been doing well and has even started to do more things for himself since Adam is with us. The truth is, sometimes Adam needs more help than K.C. and I get wrapped up with Adam and K.C. will try to do for himself. I feel badly about this sometimes but my sister says she thinks "it's great!"

Big Brother is my "little reporter" these days. He helps me so much, this little boy is an awesome kiddo. He will be going to 2ND grade in August, Adam goes to a private Autism school and K.C. will be going there in August as well.

I have started to search for a part time Nanny. I could use the extra help on certain days, shopping days, doctors appointments and Big Brother had a violin recital I barley made it too. My sister helps a bit but not very much. She's young and constantly on the go. Another change I made was I hired a part time cleaning company to come in twice a week to do the heavy cleaning for us and it has made a huge difference! I have more time for the boys and I feel so much better knowing I have the extra time with them. I love spending as much time with them as possible. Family is so important, I realize this even more now that my Mother is gone. When I do find a Nanny I will have her references thoroughly checked out and a fingerprint/background check as well. I will certainly use a Nanny Cam and would not even consider having a Nanny without one. My "little reporter" will be watching intently, if he sees or hears anything that worries him he'll report it.

I will be stopping by to visit everyone soon, I hope you kiddos are all well and that you are doing good too. Thank you for all of your support, it means the world to us.

Slowly but surely.

It has been a challenging week for our family. I am so heartbroken, I miss my Mother so very much. I haven't had time to cry. I have been so busy with the boys, it is good that I have been so busy or I would sit and think all day long and cry. It is so hard, I keep thinking I can pick the phone up and call her during the day, I don't know why I keep doing that.

How all three boys are doing.

My little Brother (Adam) is trying very hard. He was with my Mom always and it is has been very rough on him. The four days of having Adam at our house was tough, bless his heart, it has to be so confusing for him and horrible for him. He hit me all week but thankfully didn't hit K.C. or Big Brother. He's a teenager so his hits are much different than a smaller kiddos. The last time he hit me he was pacing the floors in front of the door, my Dad talked to Adam, I don't know if he understands completely that Mom is gone because he is always looking and pacing as if he's going to go somewhere or someone may be coming. The last time hit me he hit me hard, I feel horrible but I yelled at him, I told him that I missed Mom too and that he had to stop hitting me, I told him I miss her too again to be sure he understood. His hands dropped down as if I said the right thing. I really feel we have made a connection, I know he understood me, I could feel it. Things will get better but we all have been through so much it is going to be a long time before things are "back to the way they were, as Big Brother asked me. I want to make a collection of my Mom and Adams photos and go through them with him at bedtime or whenever he has the book and tell him what's happening in each picture. I have a very strong feeling he would want me to talk about Mom and show him photos but I am not sure if it's right for Adam or not. His hands did drop down and he did stop hitting when I said, "I miss her too." Maybe he wants me to talk about her? I am trying very very hard to read into Adam. He's non verbal and communicates with grunts, screams and pulling my hand and putting it on what he wants if he can't get into it himself. I talked to Adam's therapists and we all agreed that the sooner we have him back in school and back to his schedule the better. He has been going back to school and things are getting better. I even managed to get him enrolled in an Autism Summer Camp where his therapist that works with him now will go along with him as long as their expenses are paid.

K.C. has had a rough time with so many changes. When I brought my brother home with us, Adam REFUSED to ride in our car. He has been in our car before and I am not sure why he didn't want to be in it this time. My Dad said to take my Mom's van and use it for Adam. Sure enough he hopped right in. Only problem was that K.C. REFUSED to ride in my Mom's van. He screamed, fell to the ground and I wanted to cry. After 20 minutes I finally got him in the van and we all left. I felt sad driving my Mom's van, thought about what she might have been thinking when she drove with my brother, about Autism. Did she ever cry when she drove? It's hard to be in the van but for now it is helping with the boys and they are getting used to riding together. I did something I never thought I would do, when I enrolled Adam in summer camp I asked K.C.'s therapist that tutors him at home if they would go to Summer camp with K.C. One agreed to! I can send K.C. this Summer and not worry as much as if he knew no one there. It will be a first for K.C. and I think it will help him with socialization skills. Just being in a group of kiddos that are his age. I will be able to spend time with Big Brother who has been very quiet lately. It is all overwhelming for him, he is now the middle boy, sees the big changes and maybe he feels lonely having two boys in the house who won't play with him. I did get him to smile yesterday, my brother was in the living room with us, he has a very long chewy tube, it's more like a long clear thin hose type thing, I always tell him what my Mom used to tell him, "Adam the hose is in your mouth, not on the floor." He drags it on the ground when it's not in his mouth. I don't know where my Mom got it but he has had it for a long time and it goes where he goes. K.C. tried to snatch it away from Adam and I made K.C. give it back to Adam because it is Adam's and he needs it. K.C. threw a huge fit that he didn't get the tube. Big Brother said, "now K.C. knows how it feels!" I said, "what do you mean?" He says, "he has always been first, now K.C. is second and Adam is first, I guess I will always be third." I looked at him and said, "hmmmm, well it's better that being fourth!" He said, "who's fourth?" I told him, "me ya big dummy!" That gave him a fit of the giggles. I am glad he is smiling again.

My Mom is gone and my heart will always be sad because she's not here, but I can tell you having these boys with me and seeing them smile makes my heart happy. It is going to be a challenge but I am determined to give each of them the best, happiest lives possible.

I have learned something from my Mom that she did for Adam since she found out he was Autistic years ago. She saved for him, had life insurance so that when she did pass he would be well cared for for his lifetime. She always knew the right things to do. I talked with our family lawyer and he said because of my Mom, Adam, me and the boys would be able to make it without worrying about money. I wondered all these years when my Mom said, "if anything ever happens to me you will have to take care of your brother." I always said, "I know." I Never thought it would happen even though I knew my Mom was sick. She knew I would be able to care for them, I understand things more now.

Thank you for all of your thoughts and prayers, I don't really have any friends that stop by our house. I feel very blessed to have all of you and to be able to talk about my feelings here on the blog.

My Mother

My Mother passed away last night. She has had many health problems but I never thought she would go so suddenly. The Shivah begins today and I am going to pick relatives up from the airport, some are coming from Illinois and some from Israel. I miss my Mother so much. There was so many things I should have told her but can't cause she's gone. Growing up my Mother always said, "you have to take care of your little brother if anything happens to me." "He's you brother, he's family." My Dad has so many health problems as well. He won't be able to care for my brother. My brother will be living with me and the boys. I don't know if I can handle it but have to no matter what for my Mother. My brother is self injurious and profoundly Autistic. Having two kids with Autism and Big Brother will be the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am scared to death. My brother is a teenager and he's a strong guy but still like a 4 year old. He has a alot of help and I have to start gathering all his therapists names and try to work out having two take kids to therapies which scares me cause everything is overwhelming. How will I keep homeschooling K.C.? I am trying to to think ahead because already my brother knows things have changed and K.C. knows everything is different, K.C. has been hard to handle with so many changes, it is hard, I know he's feeling sad and confused just like all of us and so is my brother. Big Brother is scared to see his grandma one last time today, my Daddy hasn't left my mother since last night and will stay with her til she is buried today. Big Brother has picked out a beautiful rock to place on top of where she is buried. Please pray for us, we need strength, we need all of your thoughts and prayers. Please let your loved ones know how much you love them and how much you need them. My Mother and I didn't get along very well all the years and I just wish I could tell her I am sorry and I love her.

After 3 weeks and 2 days.....

After 3 weeks and 2 day of practicing with his ABA teacher, K.C. is an official bike rider! I never, ever thought it would be possible. Could my severely Autistic child who has no language do something a complexed as riding a bike? The answer is a big, "YES!" K.C.'s ABA teacher and I have been going outside with him and his bike each sessions through each week. We got him to sit on the bike fairly easily but could not get him to pedal or "push" with his feet. I got on my knees beside him and manipulated his feet each and everyday. His ABA instructor came up with a better idea, to stand away from him and hold his super favorite video in the air while he sat on the bike. I didn't let him get off the bike to run to get the dvd. Instead I manipulated his legs each time. Some days he was totally ticked off and wouldn't go near the bike. We just kept at it for three weeks, two days. He finally pushed his feet to get to his dvd! We cheered him on each and everyday even for the tiniest attempts, I really believe it kept him motivated to learn.

Now we have been riding (Big Brother and K.C.) through our neighborhood with me along side of K.C. He doesn't know about any safety rules such a the stop sign or looking for cars at all. Maybe it will come with time, I have printed stop signs off the Internet and we are working with his ABA instructor on that.

I am still amazed, I never thought this was even possible at all. Lately K.C. has proven everyone wrong. I am thrilled. It is hard work but just look at him go! He's focused and looks relaxed. I cheer him on and I know he hears me but he doesn't smile back, he's very focused on riding. The best part is that he has no time to stim. His hands have to be on the handle bars and his feet moving. Big Brother is totally happy that he, "has a friend to ride with!" He really feels very happy.


Our inspiration is Charlie from, http://www.autismvox.com. This young man is also Autistic and an excellent bike rider. He's such an inspiration, I'll admit had it not been for me reading about Charlie and his bike riding and Autism I may have never thought it possible for K.C. Thank you Charlie for being such an awesome kiddo!

This is K.C. riding his bike like a pro after 3 weeks and 2 days!

Now if we could just get him to wear a helmet!

My Feelings - Autism The Musical

On March 29Th (Saturday) we took K.C., Big Brother and my niece Linh Linh to an Autism Picnic. We go every year, it's a very nice event for the children, there are volunteers from Easter Seals, Guthrie and Valley Of The Sun helping the kiddos with Autism have fun.

Last year at the picnic K.C. watched his brother have fun. This year K.C. bounced in the inflated bouncers with his Big Brother! When K.C. first tried to get into the bouncer he couldn't stand. There were too many children in the bouncer and he was getting knocked around. I must have had an extreme look of worry on my face because the girls who were helping the kids in the bouncer shouted to the children, "two more minutes and everyone out." Then the girl turned to me and said, "when the children get out of the bouncer we will let him bounce alone for 2 minutes." I couldn't believe it. I almost cried knowing someone wanted to give K.C. a chance to have fun - alone!

My dear friend Lora at, http://griffinblaise.blogspot.com sent me a link to watch an Autism Musical online. Here is the link to the musical if you want to watch it, http://www.hbo.com/docs/programs/autism/video
When I watched the musical it gave me alot of mixed emotions. I thought about the musical for a few days after, then yesterday, it hit me like a ton of bricks. In one scene in the musical there are a group of Parents sitting in a room talking about their children. One Mommy said that she felt that her daughter wasn't valued as a human being because of her Autism. The Mommy was very sad, crying knowing that in this world there are people she felt didn't value her daughter because of the Autism. Another scene in the movie was of a beautiful teenage girl typing on the computer. Her Mommy asked her, "what is Autism?" The girl typed, "damaging." The girl looked sad, very sad. You really have to watch the film to know what I am talking about.

I thought about K.C. I have thought alot these past three days. Does K.C. feel he's damaged? I wonder if he's happy? Does he know he's Autistic? Does he feel people don't value him because of his Autism? I thought alot about these things. I cried and cried. I prayed I have never done anything to make K.C. feel "damaged" or "not valued." I have never seen him this way ever. As a matter of fact if someone said he was "damaged" there would be some serious words coming out of my mouth at the person.

I talked to the boys Daddy and he said, "maybe that's they way the little girl felt." "It isn't how everyone feels." Still, I am doing everything I can each and every day so that K.C. feels loved, valued and happy with the way he is. It breaks me heart to think if K.C. was feeling sad. That is the parts of the musical I didn't like at all. I know that they were just the was the folks felt at the time but still, it hurts.

I watched the rest of the musical and thought the director did an amazing job with the children. I was very happy that the musical included non verbal kiddos as well. The children looked very proud of their accomplishments at the end of the musical. The Parents were thrilled and very proud for the kiddos. It was a good musical, I guess that it was a sort of awakening for me.

While we were at the picnic, K.C. did something I thought was amazing. When we have been taking him out, in public, he usually has his hands in his mouth, flaps and finger flicks. We have been working on having him hold his own hands together. In the video you can see K.C. waiting for his Big Brother to get off the train. He gets antsy but has his hands together! Just look at the beginning of the video! He does a great job, it's a first that we have seen him trying to keep it together with what we have been teaching him. His ABA teacher was thrilled for K.C. when I played the video. I am so proud of him too. Sorry the video is so grainy, I didn't have the usual camera that day :(